Week 8 conversation with my coach, Claudia

This week’s conversation with my Coach, Claudia went well and it got into a bunch of different areas. Mostly we talked about how helpful it has to have people’s input on what we all have in our heads.  

We talked most about how we view ourselves and how there are certain people in the world that help us attain that “best version of ourselves” as possible.   Usually these people are our family or our friends but it can even be someone  outside of our network that we go to.  This can be a therapist, a life coach, or even just someone that you run into on the train.  The main theme turned to emphatic listening and how having a witness is so important and almost essential to answering the questions about yourself that the assignment lays out.

Mainly I spoke about how I struggle to find balance in my life and that i don't think my wife understands exactly what I go through on the inside.  Then it turned into her coaching me in to making sure I am a generative listener to her so that she would do the same for me.  

I think that there is no harm done in these conversations because having someone to bounce ideas off of helps us frame or thoughts in a way that organizes it in our own minds.  

Week 8 Conversation with my coachee, Jennifer

I enjoyed my conversation with week with Jennifer because it allowed us explore things that were unique to ourselves.

After going thorough the appropriate exercises, Jennifer communicated mostly about how relationship to success and her best self with that of her parents.  She feels as thought she is from a totally different generation than her parents and what was the standard ( the "bar")set for them is different than what is is for her generation.  Her husband is a different story because he is French.  She felt as though what is fulfillment in one society is different than what is fulfillment and success in another society.  I asked her to expand on what success really is...is it a car and a house or is it contentment?  Then we talked about how the standard of success always seems to change.  What is "success" for one person is not the same for another.  How do we guard against this when it is recognized?

When the conversation turned to me, I shared with Jennifer one of my own struggles in finding my true self and that's mixing my professional aspirations with the person that I am on a day to day basis I think since I started coaching my life has become a lot about competition.  Win the next game, make the most money, have a big hues, etc.  I have found an outlet for my ambition that has turned on the fire house and has permeated through different parts of my life.  Truthfully, I don't totally hate this side of me.  I like being good at what I am good at and that's not something I totally want to give up.  However, I think that it can sometimes negatively effect my happiness because when you are always chasing the next thing you do not get to slow down and appreciate the things that you have.  Jennifer asked some good questions and it made me see that it's not totally a bad thing or something that needs to be fixed.

I've said it before but Jennifer is a great person.  She makes me feel comfortable with talking about some personal things which is the sign if a good listener.  It's funny because sometimes in our conversations our roles get reversed and you can't really tell who the coach is and who the coach is.

Week 6 Conversation with my coach, Claudia

The topic between Claudia and I this week centered around suspension and how it relates to mindfulness and being present in all of our conversations.  Both of us seem to struggle a bit with this and we were able to commiserate about how we want to improve so that we can be active listeners as well as active participants in a conversation. 

I talked about how I feel as though I am furthest from a state of "suspension" when I am talking with people that I am closest to.  When the craziness of life settles in and I am talking to my wife or mom it's almost as if I don't care how I am acting or how responsive I am being.  In these cases we do and say things in dialogue that we would never do to someone we just met on the street. And these are the people that we are closest to!  Claudia agreed and told a story about how she often does that with her best friend.  Her best friend will be telling her something important about a relationship or problem that she is having and claudia said that she would feel her mind wander off to thinking about whether or not she did her laundry or which show to watch on television that night.  I felt relieved that it was not just me. 

The conclusion that we came to was that sometimes we let our guard don with people we love and that they deserve better.  One suggestion that she had was making a point to be present before the conversation so that we could be in suspension when it came.  She had the idea that maybe before I called my wife I should be cognizant of clearing my mind and giving her my total attention.  I thought that was a fantastic idea and I am going to try it this week.

Week 6 Conversation with my coachee, Jennifer

I very much enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer this week and acting as her coach.  We talked about the art of suspension in our own lives, and our quest to be better listeners and thinkers.  One reason I have come to appreciate my conversations with Jennifer is that even though I am the coach and she is the coachee, our conversations are very co-beneficial.  We make a good team because we ask each other good questions and are genuinely interested in each others answers.

The two things that Jennifer identified right away as main points in how she viewed the act of suspension was the role of curiosity, and the relationship of being sensitive and how that relates to what we have been talking a out.  I think she hit on an important point in saying that genuine curiosity absolutely helps a person as they are suspending.

We also then talked a lot a out whether sensitivity is always a good thing when it comes to effective dialogue.  She wondered whether sensitivity can be a negative thing in dialogue.  She wondered if there were times that she was acting sensitively that people took advantage of her.  I certainly believe that sensitivity can be a negative thing.  If you are always listening to others and sensitive to their feelings, you might always acquiesce to the feelings of others and it might not be a true representation of your view on something.  We talked about this for a while and ended up agreeing that there was a time for sensitivity and a time to throw sensitivity out the window.

I think I was effective at helping Jennifer talk through some of the things that she was thinking.  It was a good coaching session!

Week 4 Posing

This week's coaching assignment was primarily around the four player model and that lent itself to some very interesting conversation.  I enjoyed speaking about how I viewed myself and then helping others think about how they viewed themselves.  This is the fun part of group projects because you are learning about others while also learning about yourself.

Speaking with Jennifer, we had a really interesting conversation based around the similarities of our situations - she is a teacher and I am a coach and the differences that we have due to our personalities.  She categorized herself as a follower while I am much more of an extroverted leader mover.  At first I thought it was strange that she thought of herself as a follower even through she was a teacher.  Yet the more we talked the more I realized how powerful this could be.  As a follower she could effectively ask others their experiences and opinions without coloring their perspectives with her own.  Too often there are teachers in the world that insist on telling their students how to think.  I could tell that Jennifer was good at this because throughout our conversation, even though I was the coach, she asked many questions and always wanted to get my perspective on things.  This is a powerful trait to have and I appreciate Jennifer as a fellow student even more.

I tried to help Jennifer think about how she had played all four different roles in the past and how she had success in each of these situations.  It's unfair to think of anyone as just one thing or another.  We are all movers, followers, bystanders and opposers in different parts of our lives.  I can think of ways I am all of these things almost everyday.  Last week I started the fitness program, CrossFit.  I have never been much of a weight lifter and, believe me, I am a novice in every way there.  I am a follower at CrossFit and that extends into the dialogue. The way that I speak there I am totally submissive to the people that know what they are doing and are good at it.  This is just one example of something that is totally different than how I operate in my everyday life.  I think I am an opposer by nature and that much of this is due to my upbringing and my current household.  Arguments and conflict in my house are a daily occurrence and we love it!

Session with my Coachee, Jennifer

The coaching conversation process was something that was new to jennifer and me when we went into tit. However, when we connected I think we quickly became a good team that would be able to help each other learn and grow over the course of this semester.  Jennifer is smart and easygoing and she is already a pretty effective dialogist.  

As a coach, I try and listen as much as I can at first to the perspective of my coachee.  This is true in a number of the coach/mentor roles that I plan in my life, whether at work, running my small business, or with my children. I then try and add my thoughts without being threatening.  This can effectively be done through asking questions and letting the coachee come to conclusions by themselves. 

One interesting dynamic is the gender dynamic that exists when you are working with someone of the opposite gender.  Men and women often relate to the world differently and coaching a male or coaching a female requires different tactics.  This is something that I am looking forward to looking into closely as the semester moves along.

Session with my Coach, Claudia

I appreciated the opportunity to work with Claudia on this project.  I always like getting to know new people and both us were traveling this week/weekend so we had to go the extra mile to connect on this project.

It was somewhat difficult for me to play the role of the coachee, as I am a coach in my real day life.  Usually I am the one who is listening and helping people frame their thoughts and come up with what to say in order to get their desired results.  It took some getting used to when someone was helping me through this process.

One thing I went into the session knowing was that I had to be able to take constructive criticism.  Again, as an athletic coach, this is not something that came naturally to me.  Usually I am the one that is dishing it out.  I could no be sensitive and needed to open my mind to what someone else was telling me.  We didn't get too deep into this but I do anticipate honing these skills so that I can really make myself better without being defensive.

I am looking forward to doing more of this work and playing the part of the coachee over the course of the next few months.  I think that it will be a good opportunity for me to get better in dialogue.